


I Used to Kill Myself in This Dress

by Petesnudes



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bad coping mechanisms, Dysphoria, I write too much during class, Josh is an ftm cute, M/M, Misgendering, Self Harm, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Tyler is nice, any lowercase intended, enjoy this fuckers, it's only brought up like twice and it's not graphic, misuse of pronouns and names, sorry this took 783738228827383736328 years Ethan, weird writing style whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5047651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petesnudes/pseuds/Petesnudes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua Dun, 21. Transgender male (ftm), Happily dating Tyler Joseph. </p><p>(The rise of a king and the fall of a queen, oh)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Used to Kill Myself in This Dress

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully this is accurate  
> Title from marina and the diamonds song "seventeen"  
> If this is bad or inaccurate please tell me!

0\. Jessica Lauren Dun is born a beautiful, bouncy baby girl. with big rosy cheeks and light almond shaped eyes.

8 lbs. 5 oz.

19 1/2 inches long.

 **Girl**  

1\. "look at her with Dustin. watch them get married"

 **Girl**  

1\. "she looks so adorable in her dress"

**Girl**

2\. "come on baby girl, say 'mama'. you can do it"

 **Girl**  

3\. "no, jessica. those are for boys. how about a pretty dress?"

**Girl**

4\. "Mommy, can I play with Dustin? I wanna play with the boys."

"no, baby, you'll just get hurt. go play with Ashley, she's a nice girl"

"But mom-"

"No. Girls play with the other girls. Now go."

**Girl**

5\. the first time Jessica doesn't feel like Jessica is when she was 5. she remembers the moment like it was yesterday. she was getting on the bus like mommy told her to do and sat next to Dustin. she looked down to her skirt and for some reason felt like ripping it off. so she did. she quite literally pulled down her skirt and threw it on the ground, covering it with dirty footprints as she stomped all over it. sadly, with everyone on the bus being 5, every other kid decided to follow poor Jessica's actions and 20 kindergarteners had to be sent home that day due to lack of pants. she didn't really know why she did it. something about wearing a poofy pink skirt made her want to cry and punch everything in the world. sadly, only one of those realistic.

**... Girl**

6\. mommy let Jessica wear clothes however she wanted, which usually ended up being jeans and a t shirt, maybe a baseball cap, but Jessica never felt happier. Jessica thought it was because mommy finally saw that she wasn't always "Jessica", but it was honestly because she didn't want to repeat last year.

**Girl**

7\. "Jessica, you're such a tomboy. boys don't like tomboys"

_**Tomboy** _

_**~~Boy~~  ** _

**Girl**

8\. "Jessica, you have to wear a dress. come on. please, just wear one for once in your life."

 **Girl**  

9\. Jessica realized the biggest differences between boys and girls. she knew the little things: boys have penises and girls have vaginas, boys wear blue and girls wear pink, but it was something more. masculinity and femininity. it was no longer something physical. this was down to the way people's brains work. this both scared and excited Jessica. maybe she wasn't Jessica. maybe she was different.

 **Girl**  

10\. "if I were a boy, I think my name would be josh."

"well, you're not a boy, jessica."

"oh... yeah. guess not, dus."

**Not a boy**

11\. Puberty is normal. Your breasts enlargen and something about gross hair and tweezing and shaving and being a "woman". There's no way to stop puberty. And that is one of the most horrible things Jessica has ever heard.

 **Not a boy**  

12\. The first time she hears it, it doesn't make sense.

 _Transgender_.

None of it makes sense. But still later that night as she lied in bed she ran her hands over her chest. Relishing in the imaginary flatness that gravity provided.

 **Not a boy**  

13\. _Ace bandages are bad. Bad bad bad bad bad_ , jessica is told. But she still sneaks to Walgreens after school. She still loads her bag with 10 packs of ace bandages, and walks out. No one sees her. She sighs against the building.

_Not caught_

_**not a boy** _

**Not a girl?**

13\. The tears burn like lava down her cheeks. She pushes, pulls, scratches, pulls, picks at her chest. 

"Go away go away oh god go away" she sobs. No one is listening, she knows that.

 _Knock_  

"Honey, Jess, you alright in there?"

"Yeah mom. I'm fine. Just gonna take a shower" It's not a lie. But it's her fifth shower tonight. Her skin is raw and red from being scrubbed, like the wounds on her arms. She was trying to wash away the girl, the femininity. She steps into the shower again and quietly cries to herself with her head rested against the freezing tiles. When She steps out, and grabs the three ace bandages and sucks in as she wraps them tight, too tight, around her small chest. When she turns to the side she can see her skin bulging out from the bandage and the purple bruises, But it's flat.

_Flat flat flat_

**Not a girl**

**Not a boy**

14\. She shouldn't do it. Like really, really, really shouldn't do it. But the bathroom door is locked, her father's clippers in one hand with scissors in the other. She should not do it.

She does it.

_Cut_

_Snip_

_Buzz_

_Gone._

_It's all gone_ , She laughed in anxiety and happiness when whose ran her hands through the horribly cut short hair.

_It's gone. All gone._

Too messy at the top. Too tight at the sides. But short and gone. All gone.

**Not a girl**

14\. "Ash, I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl" Jessica felt a lump forming in her throat and tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.

"okay, Jess. don't worry. it's okay" Ashley's voice was sympathetic and warm compared to Jessica's high and anxious tone.

"don't tell anyone. Oh god please don't tell anyone" Ashley wrapped her arms around Jessica's shaking frame.

"I won't, I promise. your secrets safe with me. it's okay"

"c-can you call me josh?" Josh pulled away and sniffles

"of course... josh. Look. You know I'm bi. I know you're trans. We're the queer squad" Josh broke out into his familiar honey sweet laugh and relaxed.

_**Josh** _

**Not a girl**

14\. "honey, it's time that you start wearing more girl clothes. you're a beautiful girl." Josh clenched his fists.

"okay mom, whatever."

 ~~ **Girl**~~  

15\. "honey you look beautiful in that dress" Jessica's mother looked in awe.

"why do I even wear it if I'm not a girl?" Josh immediately slammed his hand over his mouth.

"what?" Josh sighed and looked his mother in the eye, anxiety filling his chest. But it was too late.

"I-I'm not a girl, mom."

_Too late_

**Not a girl**  

15\. "just don't come back, Jessica."

"I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll do anything. I'm sorry"

"I don't want to hear it anymore"

 **Not a girl, at a cost.**  

16\. worst year to date. it went downhill and fast, starting out with being kicked out just before their birthday.

then, there was the anxiety,

and dysphoria,

and depression,

and self harm,

and it was hell. nothing was good to Josh anymore. The only thing that kept ~~him~~ her going was ~~his~~  her boyfriend, Dustin. the thing was, he knew nothing about his 'girlfriend' being anything but a girl.

**Not a girl**

16\. "Jessica, I talked to your father. and we know we can't change you, but we want you to come home. boy or girl or something. just come home, please"

**Not a girl**

16\. "I love you, jes- Josh. I love you so much."

"I love you too, mom"

**_Josh_  **

**Boy**

17\. "Dustin, we need to talk."

 **Boy**  

17\. "I'm not dating no tranny. get the fuck away from me, Jessica" Josh sunk to his knees. he was so close to having it good. his parents took him back and apologized. he thought Dustin would have been nice, understanding, they've known each other since they were babies. but people don't always live up to what you thought they'd be.

"you'll never be a real boy. I hope you get that"

"fuck you. you're a fucking dick"

"at least I have one"

_**Tranny** _

**Not a boy**

18\. "hey I'm Tyler"

  **Boy**

18\. "Josh. yeah, I'm Josh."

"to be honest, you're kinda cute for a guy" 

**Boy**

18\. "Tyler, I'm trans and I don't want you to hate me. I just want you to know the truth."

"okay. you're still cute"

**Boy**

19\. "Josh, will you be my boyfriend?"

"yes. I mean.. Sure. yeah sure why not"

 **Boy**  

20\. "Tyler. I'm in love with you"

"I think I'm in love with you too"

 **Boy**  

20\. "you're so handsome. I swear I'm way too lucky"

_**Handsome** _

**Boy**  

21\. twenty one.

Josh barely thought he'd make it pass 18, but 21. 2 1.

"twenty one"

"yes, that's your age. now you can get drunk legally. whoo!" Tyler said waving around a far too big bottle of tequila. Josh laughed.

"yeah, but I'm just... kinda amazed by it. I love you, Tyler"

"love you too, Josh."

Joshua Dun, 21. Transgender male (ftm), Happily dating Tyler Joseph.

Happily a guy.

 **B- Man**  

**Author's Note:**

> Instagram: petesnudes  
> Twitter: arohurley 
> 
> Constructive criticism is helpful! And appreciated!


End file.
